As we flew down the street I realized that I had forgotten how much I loved the way he drove. I sheepishly let my eyes dart to the speedometer…hmmm, 55mph? Then I saw a sign flash by that said 25 mph. W-o-w. For some reason that wasn’t fast enough for me.

I wanted to soar down the street-light-lit roads at 100 mph. unfortunately his little brother was in the back seat. I sat in silence, thinking, letting the wind tousled my hair, and enjoying the speed with which we coasted at. Let’s not forget the feeling of the gears shifting under me as he moved the stick through 1, 2, and 3.

I had spent all day Saturday with him, sitting in a car. But riding in the back was way different that sitting in front, watching his mastery of the steering wheel. In back was a comfortable setting, no one younger than me in the car, but five others whom were older than me, including him. It made it easier to keep my feelings in check with many around.

But in the two-door sports car, when his brother was dead silent, some crazy spell would come over me and I would scramble for words in what I thought was an awkward silence. By the end of the ride I was so embarrassed that I would run to my front door like I was Usain Bolt from Jamaica. What was it about this, mild mannered, easy going guy that sent my heart racing and my mouth at a loss for words? Was it because he was the exact character that was opposite mine, with the addition of many of the same passions?

Truthfully, I don’t know. All I know is that he thinks I’m “eccentric” and I agree with him, I am eccentric; but that doesn’t make me immune from the usual feelings that plague all teenaged girls. I’m still prone to those ridiculous emotions. I’m still a victim of a guy plucking at my heart strings and him not even knowing it.

I will never forget the look on his face when I told him. Shock and surprise, as if he wasn’t attractive enough to catch a girl’s eyes, also as if he didn’t think I was vulnerable enough to feel the way I feel. Then boom! “I’m flattered, but I have a girlfriend at school.” Then I stumbled on my words, “Oh, I didn’t know.” He shrugged, and I continued, “Not that I wish you heart–break, but maybe after?” He smiled, “Yeah.”

Really, he is cute, but that isn’t the reason why I like him. He is the smartest junior in HS I’ve ever met. The way he thinks intrigues me like nothing else. But he has a girl, so I’m suffering in silence. But I have to have hope; otherwise, it’s like living in pain for nothing.

So for the five minutes I was in his car I thought silently, and felt a wave of amusement and depression come over me as “The Day That Never Comes” by Metallica boomed on the stereo with us both singing, him with his angelic tenor voice, and me with my alto voice. I sighed quietly as he turned into my driveway, without looking I spoke softly, “Thanks for the ride, see you Wednesday.” He murmured, “Goodnight, see you Wednesday.”

I didn’t look back, I was afraid the pain and longing would show; I was so close, I just had to keep the façade up just a bit longer, then, once inside my blasé carefree attitude would crumble and I could fall apart. So I slammed the car door shut and ran to my front door, only glancing back when his engine roared loudly. My aunt opened the front door and gave me the glance over, “You need to look in the mirror.” I did, and I saw pain and awe mixed into one on my face, that, paired with my wind strewn hair made me look chaotic.

How could I let this happen? If I let my feelings show then I would ruin everything. Not to mention my pathetic attempt at being his friend. But, at this point, I’m in more physical and emotional pain than Edward Cullen was in when he was near Bella Swan; I must say that Edward had it a bit easier. At least some of his pain relented when he wasn’t near Bella. It isn’t that way for me.

I’m not Cullen or Swan in the story, I’m the Jacob Black. I’m his friend, I want more, I’m always wanting him to be happy, and I utterly loath the chick he’s with. Though I know that if I met her I’d probably be buddies with her; that’s if I could get over him. That’s a big improbable if.

Would this never end? I already wished for some guy to take my mind off him, to no avail, yet for some reason, I always went back for the burn. This is the story of my life. Girl stuck in the middle, being a martyr.